Back in the mythic 50s and 60s, housewives like Betty Friedan and Betty Draper were very bored. The Feminine Mystique opens with this description of an average housewife’s day: “Many women no longer left their homes, except to shop, chauffeur their children or attend a social engagement with their husbands.”

Contrast this to the average day of 2009’s Janice Ramos, featured in Joan Williams and Heather Boushey’s new study, “The Three Faces of Work-Family Conflict.” 

Janice Ramos is a married, 30-year-old registered nurse who lives in a home she owns with her husband, a technician, and two children, an eight-year-old son and a 14-month- old baby. She works the night shift so she can be home with her kids during the day. Her husband, whose shift starts at 9:00 a.m., gets the children up and fed and takes 

the baby to a neighbor’s and the older child to school. Janice arrives home at 8:30 a.m. after they have already left. She sleeps for five hours, then picks up the baby and meets her son at the bus stop around 3:00 p.m. She spends a few hours helping with homework and playing with the baby, and then goes to sleep when her husband returns from work around 5:00 p.m. She sleeps until 9:00 p.m., when she leaves to arrive at the hospital at 10:00 p.m. 

Ramos is part of what Williams and Boushey call the “missing middle.” These parents, writes Lisa Belkin, are working “highly supervised jobs that often leave them one sick child away from being fired”; these are “Americans who are neither rich nor poor,” and “have a median annual income of $64,000, earning between $35,000 and about $110,000 a year. Their median income has fallen 13 percent since 1979 (in inflation-adjusted dollars).” 

The middle is 53 percent of Americans, but the authors say because they are not as vocal and visible as professionals, the infamous “opt-out” group, or as desperate as the poor, they receive the least attention and even less help.

Time is a finite resource. Think of our lives are pies: pieces are divided between work time, home and family time and personal time. Cali Yost explains that conflict arises when our work and home time demands become so great that we simply run out of time. This is the state of many Americans.

Reading the “Three Faces” report is eye-opening and extremely sad because work-life conflict among all income levels is so pronounced. I was most struck by the phenomenon of “tag-team” parents like Janice Ramos in our new two-worker norm. In the study, exhaustion is a common theme of life in the middle. One parent says, “My daughter always wants to do things with me, but I’m too exhausted.”

Are you a tag-team couple? What effects does it have on your relationship and sense of well-being?

Lisa Belkin wrote, “Is work-life balance a luxury? In many ways, yes. Only those with both financial security and some control over their work lives have the freedom to recalibrate it.” Williams and Boushey’s report makes it clear that for married couples, time together as a family is a luxury, much less time for oneself. They also note that tag-team couples are between three to six times more likely to divorce.

Which leads me to the political hypocrisy of our legislators (almost everything I read these days leads me there). The U.S. is hostile to creating federal legislation that supports family-friendly workplaces — and it is this legislation that would help the tag-team parents, those caught in the middle. 

Legislation that does exist helps poor women with childcare subsidies. Wealthier women can make more choices about their work and family lives. In either instance, as Williams and Boushey note, “The problem is viewed as not the lack of adequate public policies but rather the personal choices of a small set of mothers who are in families that do not look like most U.S. families. Politicians have actively used these narratives to reject moving forward on a work-family agenda.” Meanwhile, the majority of U.S. families soldier on, with little money, time or breathing room to spare.

Even more ironic? 

“Nearly 60 percent of mothers in the middle work full-time or more, but only 42 percent of low-income mothers do. Both parents work full-time or more in more than half — or 51 percent — of all middle-income families as compared with only 15 percent of poor ones. The percentage of full-time work is slightly higher in professional-managerial families —- 57 percent -— but they can do all kinds of things to make life more workable.”

I’m a lucky professional example: The more money I make, the more money I willingly spend to outsource as much as I possibly can.

Families in the middle also pay more, percentage-wise, for childcare than do poor families or those at the top: 

In March 2009 dollars, low-income families pay around $2,300 a year per child for childcare for children under age six —- about 14 percent of their income. Families in the middle average $3,500 a year —- six percent to nine percent of their income. Professional families pay about $4,800 a year —- three percent to seven percent of their income.

(Personally, I would be thrilled to only have to pay $4,800 a year for childcare -— I don’t know where that figure is from!)

The report concludes, “If one had to choose a single word to describe life in the middle, it might well be exhaustion.”

Exhaustion is no way to make America great again. The solution, says Williams, “is flexibility without retaliation” from employers. Carolyn Maloney has a bill before Congress: support her. Another key is culture change and recognition: Some hourly based companies with hourly workers DO use flexible work schedules. Working Mother Magazine, for the first time this year, is honoring them, as it has done for years with its “100 Best Companies” to work for.

PS: Listen to BlogHer’s Elisa Camahort Page interview Heather Boushey and Joan Williams.

Morra Aarons-Mele
www.womenandwork.org

Oh, the smoking must drive Michelle crazy! And the girls! I can still remember being a little girl and crying because both my parents smoked and just could not seem to quit. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was- it was so far outside my ken. One of the biggest adjustments I’ve had to make as a grown up is accepting that I cannot change the bad habits of those I love. I can only support them as they try to change. Husband, father, even myself as I struggle to lose baby weight. How we balance our concern for ending the bad habits of those we love without being nags? The truth is, you never know what will happen. When my son was born, my mom told me “you’re now a hostage to love.” How true that was.

But every once in a while, you read something that makes you think, “Goddammit, why can’t x person take care of himself! Doesn’t he realize how lucky he is!” This article, from Asha Dornfest via the American Cancer Society’s More Birthdays blog, struck me. Asha writes about her childhood friend Mike, who battled lung cancer at 34:

Mike says that cancer has made possible a vitality and an immediacy that he never knew existed. Without cancer, he may have never had the motivation or courage — or even the inclination — to run a marathon, or climb Mt. Whitney, or hike to Machu Picchu. More importantly, the time he spends with his wife, Linda, and his son, Griffin, is a gift Mike never takes for granted.

I’m not going to the Democratic National Convention, and I’m sad about it. I am obsessively watching CNN (after a 4 month self-imposed moratorium on cable news), checking my email for party invites in Denver, and questioning choices. I’m about 6 months pregnant, starting a new career, and in the light of day, staying at home instead of going to the Convention seemed like the right thing. The doctors agreed. After all- my blogging is a passion, not a financial sustenance. My BlogHer colleagues Erin Vest and Maria Niles will do an amazing job covering things- Erin even got that Nokia N95 to stream live via Qik. Go Erin.

I mentioned my ambivalence last night to a recent mother of a now 8 month old baby. She said, “get used to compromise!” You think you’re going to have to put your needs just on hold? How about having your needs completely not matter? Having everything you do subsumed by this one little creature- by someone else?

I’m sure to people with children this is the oldest story in the book, so apologies for my whininess.

But, yes, compromise. Not something I’m used to. When I read Leslie Bennetts’ underrated book The Feminine Mistake I was struck by her thesis that women of my generation just need to learn how to compromise. In Bennetts’ view, for example, modern motherhood for the working woman is not a binary question of giving up a career to become the perfect stay at home mom vs. being an addled, overachieving working mother with a kid in full time care. No, Bennetts writes, we need to compromise, Maybe be a little less overachieving at work, a little less perfection-seeking as a mother.

So I guess not going to the Convention is but a first step in the endless compromising of parenthood, its real financial and physical responsibilities. And yet, it stings.

The original poem, “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop:

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied.  It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=CMDAug5wIVAW

“Yet not every grad is a winner. The lowest-paid members of the class of 2007 will go into social work, where salaries are half those of some hot engineering or business careers. Social workers average $26,828, down 1.2 percent.”

What does this have to do with the tragedies at Virginia Tech? From my perspective, plenty. Campus counselers, many of whom are social workers, or earlier in Cho’s life, perhaps school social workers– all could have played a crucial role in Cho Seng-Hui’s mental health. Perhaps, meeting with a good social worker could have saved lives at Virginia Tech. But social workers are not well-respected, and we sure as hell know they aren’t well-paid. We don’t know if they were present or effective for Cho Seng-Hui.

A comment on my blog at Blogher:
“The words of Lucinda Roy
Comment by nelle2nelle posted Tue, 2007/04/17 – 3:15pm
The words of Lucinda Roy have haunted me since she was on NPR this afternoon.
She had Cho Seung-Hui as a student, and felt he was severely depressed and carried a lot of anger. Lucinda sought help from various sources, including the school and the police, but was rebuffed.
I simply cannot fathom how she must feel now.”

(I am an MSW student, and a candidate for an MPA).

“We have a good resource guide up on our web site veteransforamerica.org. When you go to the site go to the community tag; under it you will find resource guide which lists all sorts of areas veterans can get info and referal stuff.

The one on PTSD is here.

I found that the best general referral is to Vet Centers. These are the more storefront type places that are not hospital based and understand the PTSD issue the best.”

A few weeks ago I wrote about Jonathan Schulze, a Marine who killed himself upon return from Iraq.

“On January 11, 2007, accompanied by his parents, he went to the VA hospital in St. Cloud, Minnesota and told people at that VA facility that he was thinking of killing himself. They told Schulze that they could not admit him as a patient and sent him on his way.
The next day, January 12, Schulze called the VA, reiterating that he was feeling suicidal. He was told that he was number 26 on the waiting list. A man who had risked his life in Iraq and done everything that was asked of him by the United States government, was told by that same government that his sacrifice would be repaid by being 26th on a list of Veterans similarly crying out for help.”

Schulze’s brother commented on my post on BlogHer. He wrote:

Hi all. I am Jonathan’s oldest Brother, the Marine we are talking about.

Our family has 10 veterans (1 Navy, 5 Army, 3 Marines, 1 Air Force). So believe me….we have experience with the VA and Jon had strong family support.

I’ve seen posts from people asking why Jon did not go right to a civilian hospital. Well, Jon did not have private insurance and the cost to do so would have been even more of a burden to Jon whom did not need anymore issues to worry about, especially with one 6 month daughter and one on the way!

Jon has a long history with the VA. He regulary went to the VA for help, so it’s not like he just showed up and asked to be admitted. Every time he went for evaluations he usually had to wait hours just to even get the chance to see a doctor.

People ask why the family did not do more….we tried hard. At this point the only thing we could have done was lock him up in a room…he was his own man and made his own decisions…this was impossible. Although, Jon came from a strong line of military heritage it was the “So Called” professionals at the VA that should have caught/red flagged the severity of his PTSD! They had several years on record.

Jon was your poster child for PTSD and the Gov. failed him badly. He saw and was involved in some of the worst combat since Vietnam.

From a military family history and die hard patriotic family……we have lost faith for the first time in 70 years.

I’m telling you the VA will cover their backs. I would not believe a word they say. I know first hand WHAT HAPPENED. Shame on them!

How can our government spend 600 BILLION on the war and fund so little on our military heros? I’m almost ashamed to be an American these days.

If your curious ask and I will reply where I can.”

So, if you want to pursue this story, post a comment at http://blogher.org/node/15047#comment-15352 

 

You Go Girl: talking Hillary Clinton

But Madeleine reels it in when she writes of her work at the women’s rights group,

“Sitting in meetings all day talking about this circuit court decision or that state legislative trend makes it easy to lose sight of the lives we’re touching with these big sweeping changes. Everyone here at Legal Momentum has contact with our clients, but no other position at the organization has as much contact with the outside world, regular women, as mine. With help from my intern (thanks Angela!), I answer all the calls and emails from women asking for help with a variety of legal problems. I hear stories from women all across the country, women with different backgrounds and experiences, each needing help with her legal problems.

Speaking to all these women everyday helps me to see the universality of women’s issues and that things like employment discrimination and domestic violence affect all types of women. Realizing that a doctor from a fancy suburb can have the same issues as a cashier from a tiny town really puts our work into perspective. I’m able to sit in the meetings discussing legislative strategy and see with perfect clarity how these efforts will impact the daily lives of so many women.”