Fear Means Go
I’m always encouraging my two year old to try new things…and he loves to say, “try try.” I don’t always take this advice myself. I have some social anxiety. But when I’m nervous about a big meeting or cocktail party I have to tackle on my own, I’ll harken back to this wonderful story from Ellen Galinsky.
“Fear Means Go” is the mantra of Ellen and her daughter, Lara Galinsky. It’s a way we can practice taking on challenges, an essential part of life whether you’re 2 or 40.
Cross-posted from the Harvard Business Review blog:
When Deb Dagit walked in to make her first presentation to the Merck Board of Directors, she knew what she was going to say. She was speaking to the Board about the importance of making a commitment to having a diverse workforce and to creating a workplace culture where differences among people are seen as a business advantage. One look at the serious faces of the members of the Board, though, began to erode her confidence. It wasn’t until Dr. Johnnetta Cole, then President of Spelman College and a member of Merck’s board, approached her that her confidence returned. Dagit says:
I had never met her before but she came over to me, gave me a hug, and said, “We are going to have a wonderful conversation.” All the time, I was talking to the Board, I just kept looking at her and I got through it.
Dagit, now the Chief Diversity Officer at Merck, told this story in the context of a business seminar I was conducting on how the skills that help children thrive (skills I identified in a review of the research for my book Mind in the Making) are the very same skills that help adults become more effective at work. The skill we were talking about was taking on challenges.Adults, like children, look to the faces of others in uncertain or new situations to assess the situation and to figure out how to proceed. This tendency has a name in the research literature–it’s called “social referencing,”
Anne Weisberg, Director in Talent at Deloitte and a speaker at the business seminar, makes the point we are increasingly faced with uncertain paths to navigate in our everyday jobs as our world changes at breakneck speed and as knowledge multiplies exponentially. She says that we are going to have to try new things if we are going to adapt and thrive. Here are some suggestions from the speakers at this business seminar on how they have learned to see making mistakes as a part of taking on challenges.
Bloggers for More Birthdays: to the community of women
When my son was about three weeks old, a group of women on my block held a shower for me. It was an incredible gift. I was in the midst of my baby blues, bleary from lack of sleep and the shock of my life being just completely turned upside down. And so I was grateful for the company of these wise women who were my neighbors. I only knew one of them well, but we settled into the easy camaraderie of women sharing a beloved and familiar topic: babies, husbands, and the like. My mom was there too. Most of the women are grandmothers themselves, and they brought me the most wonderful, and wonderfully wrapped gifts. We ate cake, swapped baby stories and we had a grand old time. I nearly forgot I was tired.
Somehow, the subject of cancer came up. All six of the women, my mother included, were breast cancer survivors. We could only laugh at this uncanny coincidence. They all got cancer at different stages of life- some young, some post-menopause. Their stories were different, but rooted in similar and painful experiences. I sat and listened and was struck by the new fragility I felt as a mother: the sense that life is a gift, and that it is fragile as well. Like my tiny newborn, something to look after with care.
My mother doesn’t like the term survivor; she says it doesn’t fit what she feels like. Her cancer is done, we hope, and “survivor” is not an identity she claims. My neighbors, too, talked saltily about the nastier sides of chemo, treatment. I marveled at their ability to balance their cancer experiences within the larger scope of their lives. Some choose to be active in the breast cancer community and some prefer not to think about it. But they all fought the disease, and they all think about it every day. They did’t stop their lives, and they didn’t let it block them. I marvelled at this and felt grateful to listen in on the conversation.
It’s bittersweet that my baby shower included such a poignant and intense discussion of cancer. But its also somehow fitting. It reminds me of the cycles of female life, and the shared experiences that bring us women together, sometimes in happy circumstances, sometimes in sad, and mostly in a bittersweet way. I dedicate this post to my neighbors, to my mom, and to the community of women fighting breast cancer.
I’m supporting the American Cancer Society by blogging for more birthdays– blogging to raise cancer awareness. Please, join Bloggers for More Birthdays and dedicate a blog post to someone you love with cancer.
More links:
Darryle Pollack http://blog.darrylepollack.com/2009/09/birthdays-on-the-brain/
Catherine Morgan: http://www.catherine-morgan.com/
Julie Pippert- “Celebrating More Birthdays”
Undecided- my new favorite blog
Written by Shannon Kelley and Barbara Kelly, Undecided covers “Analysis paralysis, grass is greener syndrome, longing for the road not traveled: How the success of the women’s movement has left us stumped in the face of limitless options — and how to get over it.” It’s really smart and not whiny at all.
Souter wanted his life back
Cross-posted from BlogHer.com:
David Souter is leaving the Supreme Court and it’s exciting to consider whom Obama might appoint as Souter’s replacement. But I’d like to look back for a moment- at why Souter left and what that says to us.
Souter “told friends he looked forward to returning to New Hampshire while he was young enough to enjoy climbing mountains and other outdoor activities.” On NPR, Nina Totenberg reported Souter explaining his discontent: “the workload of his job is such that when ‘the term of court starts I undergo a sort of annual intellectual lobotomy, and it lasts until the following summer when I sort of cram what I can into the summertime.’” For a man to whom reading and thinking is supreme, this is no sort of work life balance.
At Salon, Joan Walsh wrote, “Finally with a Democratic president in the White House, he can go home to New Hampshire.” Walsh’s point is that the putative Republican, faced with a recent stacking of Bush-era mega Conservative appointees, feels safe to leave his spot to a less right-wing replacement. I’m glad Souter waited.
But I was struck by Souter’s justification: he left because he wanted his life back. When powerful people– politicians or corporate executives– leave huge jobs to “spend more time with the family,” we almost automatically assume it’s code for a huge sex scandal in the making or some kind of fraud or looming failure. But a Supreme Court Justice is not subject to the damage of scandal or public pressure; it’s the ultimate tenure. When a Justice leaves, it’s because he or she wants to, or must because of health reasons.
When I suggested that Souter was leaving to seek better integration of work and life, several colleagues wrote back, “but he’s not married and he doesn’t have children.” Indeed, as Brian Williams wrote on his blog, “Souter’s been described as an almost Victorian figure, straining to maintain the lifestyle he prefers while the world changes around him.” Williams is saying that Souter is kind of odd, and that’s why he wanted to escape his extremely powerful but all-consuming job and go home to Vermont. How ridiculous.
This country’s emphasis on work is so insane that we presume only harried parents of young children (usually mothers) want some kind of measure between their work and their personal or home life. That’s ridiculous. Kate Hutchinson writes,
“In my office, women who are single just work their asses off until they have kids, and then comes the work/life balance question.” Really? Single women–or in my case–childless women are just expected to work until they drop? What about time off for reading, yoga, traveling, volunteering, doing things that are personally fulfilling?”
At the Glass Hammer, Cynthia Diaz writes,
“I have been told that putting in extra hours would be expected during a crunch, not a problem. I think everyone has heard that request at one time or another. It is what often follows that is insulting: “After-all, you’re single. You have no responsibilities.” Being single somehow allows my free time to become someone else’s asset.”
But, let’s face it, single women “complaining” is hardly a force for change in our country; usually women voicing objections are discursively constructed to be a force for ridicule. I tried to find some single men writing about the need for more work life integration, but I came up short. Recent studies show men in two earner households feeling more conflict than women about work and life. But it’s still pretty much a taboo subject for many men to discuss publicly, especially during a recession.
The more powerful (and frankly) men we hear from who insist on their right to some kind of integration between their work life and their personal joys the further along we’re going to get. Thank you, Justice Souter. I hope you have a wonderful summer at home.
The art of compromise (with apologies to Elizabeth Bishop)
The art of compromise isn't hard to master .... compromise something every day. Accept the ambivalence of lost opportunities, the hour spent doing something you don't want to. The art of compromise isn't hard to master.
I’m not going to the Democratic National Convention, and I’m sad about it. I am obsessively watching CNN (after a 4 month self-imposed moratorium on cable news), checking my email for party invites in Denver, and questioning choices. I’m about 6 months pregnant, starting a new career, and in the light of day, staying at home instead of going to the Convention seemed like the right thing. The doctors agreed. After all- my blogging is a passion, not a financial sustenance. My BlogHer colleagues Erin Vest and Maria Niles will do an amazing job covering things- Erin even got that Nokia N95 to stream live via Qik. Go Erin.
I mentioned my ambivalence last night to a recent mother of a now 8 month old baby. She said, “get used to compromise!” You think you’re going to have to put your needs just on hold? How about having your needs completely not matter? Having everything you do subsumed by this one little creature- by someone else?
I’m sure to people with children this is the oldest story in the book, so apologies for my whininess.
But, yes, compromise. Not something I’m used to. When I read Leslie Bennetts’ underrated book The Feminine Mistake I was struck by her thesis that women of my generation just need to learn how to compromise. In Bennetts’ view, for example, modern motherhood for the working woman is not a binary question of giving up a career to become the perfect stay at home mom vs. being an addled, overachieving working mother with a kid in full time care. No, Bennetts writes, we need to compromise, Maybe be a little less overachieving at work, a little less perfection-seeking as a mother.
So I guess not going to the Convention is but a first step in the endless compromising of parenthood, its real financial and physical responsibilities. And yet, it stings.
The original poem, “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop:
The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster. I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master. I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. --Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
About Me
Morra Aarons-Mele utilizes social media strategies to help employers, employees and communities connect. She also consults with leading organizations on how women can use the internet for professional and personal development. In her spare time, Morra enjoys blogging about women and politics. Read her full bio >>
Recent Posts
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- Fear Means Go