Bloggers for More Birthdays: to the community of women
When my son was about three weeks old, a group of women on my block held a shower for me. It was an incredible gift. I was in the midst of my baby blues, bleary from lack of sleep and the shock of my life being just completely turned upside down. And so I was grateful for the company of these wise women who were my neighbors. I only knew one of them well, but we settled into the easy camaraderie of women sharing a beloved and familiar topic: babies, husbands, and the like. My mom was there too. Most of the women are grandmothers themselves, and they brought me the most wonderful, and wonderfully wrapped gifts. We ate cake, swapped baby stories and we had a grand old time. I nearly forgot I was tired.
Somehow, the subject of cancer came up. All six of the women, my mother included, were breast cancer survivors. We could only laugh at this uncanny coincidence. They all got cancer at different stages of life- some young, some post-menopause. Their stories were different, but rooted in similar and painful experiences. I sat and listened and was struck by the new fragility I felt as a mother: the sense that life is a gift, and that it is fragile as well. Like my tiny newborn, something to look after with care.
My mother doesn’t like the term survivor; she says it doesn’t fit what she feels like. Her cancer is done, we hope, and “survivor” is not an identity she claims. My neighbors, too, talked saltily about the nastier sides of chemo, treatment. I marveled at their ability to balance their cancer experiences within the larger scope of their lives. Some choose to be active in the breast cancer community and some prefer not to think about it. But they all fought the disease, and they all think about it every day. They did’t stop their lives, and they didn’t let it block them. I marvelled at this and felt grateful to listen in on the conversation.
It’s bittersweet that my baby shower included such a poignant and intense discussion of cancer. But its also somehow fitting. It reminds me of the cycles of female life, and the shared experiences that bring us women together, sometimes in happy circumstances, sometimes in sad, and mostly in a bittersweet way. I dedicate this post to my neighbors, to my mom, and to the community of women fighting breast cancer.
I’m supporting the American Cancer Society by blogging for more birthdays– blogging to raise cancer awareness. Please, join Bloggers for More Birthdays and dedicate a blog post to someone you love with cancer.
More links:
Darryle Pollack http://blog.darrylepollack.com/2009/09/birthdays-on-the-brain/
Catherine Morgan: http://www.catherine-morgan.com/
Julie Pippert- “Celebrating More Birthdays”
Undecided- my new favorite blog
Written by Shannon Kelley and Barbara Kelly, Undecided covers “Analysis paralysis, grass is greener syndrome, longing for the road not traveled: How the success of the women’s movement has left us stumped in the face of limitless options — and how to get over it.” It’s really smart and not whiny at all.
Souter wanted his life back
Cross-posted from BlogHer.com:
David Souter is leaving the Supreme Court and it’s exciting to consider whom Obama might appoint as Souter’s replacement. But I’d like to look back for a moment- at why Souter left and what that says to us.
Souter “told friends he looked forward to returning to New Hampshire while he was young enough to enjoy climbing mountains and other outdoor activities.” On NPR, Nina Totenberg reported Souter explaining his discontent: “the workload of his job is such that when ‘the term of court starts I undergo a sort of annual intellectual lobotomy, and it lasts until the following summer when I sort of cram what I can into the summertime.’” For a man to whom reading and thinking is supreme, this is no sort of work life balance.
At Salon, Joan Walsh wrote, “Finally with a Democratic president in the White House, he can go home to New Hampshire.” Walsh’s point is that the putative Republican, faced with a recent stacking of Bush-era mega Conservative appointees, feels safe to leave his spot to a less right-wing replacement. I’m glad Souter waited.
But I was struck by Souter’s justification: he left because he wanted his life back. When powerful people– politicians or corporate executives– leave huge jobs to “spend more time with the family,” we almost automatically assume it’s code for a huge sex scandal in the making or some kind of fraud or looming failure. But a Supreme Court Justice is not subject to the damage of scandal or public pressure; it’s the ultimate tenure. When a Justice leaves, it’s because he or she wants to, or must because of health reasons.
When I suggested that Souter was leaving to seek better integration of work and life, several colleagues wrote back, “but he’s not married and he doesn’t have children.” Indeed, as Brian Williams wrote on his blog, “Souter’s been described as an almost Victorian figure, straining to maintain the lifestyle he prefers while the world changes around him.” Williams is saying that Souter is kind of odd, and that’s why he wanted to escape his extremely powerful but all-consuming job and go home to Vermont. How ridiculous.
This country’s emphasis on work is so insane that we presume only harried parents of young children (usually mothers) want some kind of measure between their work and their personal or home life. That’s ridiculous. Kate Hutchinson writes,
“In my office, women who are single just work their asses off until they have kids, and then comes the work/life balance question.” Really? Single women–or in my case–childless women are just expected to work until they drop? What about time off for reading, yoga, traveling, volunteering, doing things that are personally fulfilling?”
At the Glass Hammer, Cynthia Diaz writes,
“I have been told that putting in extra hours would be expected during a crunch, not a problem. I think everyone has heard that request at one time or another. It is what often follows that is insulting: “After-all, you’re single. You have no responsibilities.” Being single somehow allows my free time to become someone else’s asset.”
But, let’s face it, single women “complaining” is hardly a force for change in our country; usually women voicing objections are discursively constructed to be a force for ridicule. I tried to find some single men writing about the need for more work life integration, but I came up short. Recent studies show men in two earner households feeling more conflict than women about work and life. But it’s still pretty much a taboo subject for many men to discuss publicly, especially during a recession.
The more powerful (and frankly) men we hear from who insist on their right to some kind of integration between their work life and their personal joys the further along we’re going to get. Thank you, Justice Souter. I hope you have a wonderful summer at home.
The art of compromise (with apologies to Elizabeth Bishop)
The art of compromise isn't hard to master .... compromise something every day. Accept the ambivalence of lost opportunities, the hour spent doing something you don't want to. The art of compromise isn't hard to master.
I’m not going to the Democratic National Convention, and I’m sad about it. I am obsessively watching CNN (after a 4 month self-imposed moratorium on cable news), checking my email for party invites in Denver, and questioning choices. I’m about 6 months pregnant, starting a new career, and in the light of day, staying at home instead of going to the Convention seemed like the right thing. The doctors agreed. After all- my blogging is a passion, not a financial sustenance. My BlogHer colleagues Erin Vest and Maria Niles will do an amazing job covering things- Erin even got that Nokia N95 to stream live via Qik. Go Erin.
I mentioned my ambivalence last night to a recent mother of a now 8 month old baby. She said, “get used to compromise!” You think you’re going to have to put your needs just on hold? How about having your needs completely not matter? Having everything you do subsumed by this one little creature- by someone else?
I’m sure to people with children this is the oldest story in the book, so apologies for my whininess.
But, yes, compromise. Not something I’m used to. When I read Leslie Bennetts’ underrated book The Feminine Mistake I was struck by her thesis that women of my generation just need to learn how to compromise. In Bennetts’ view, for example, modern motherhood for the working woman is not a binary question of giving up a career to become the perfect stay at home mom vs. being an addled, overachieving working mother with a kid in full time care. No, Bennetts writes, we need to compromise, Maybe be a little less overachieving at work, a little less perfection-seeking as a mother.
So I guess not going to the Convention is but a first step in the endless compromising of parenthood, its real financial and physical responsibilities. And yet, it stings.
The original poem, “One Art” by Elizabeth Bishop:
The art of losing isn't hard to master; so many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master. Then practice losing farther, losing faster: places, and names, and where it was you meant to travel. None of these will bring disaster. I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or next-to-last, of three loved houses went. The art of losing isn't hard to master. I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. --Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident the art of losing's not too hard to master though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.
What I learned from (hot chick on Wired magazine cover) Julia Allison
What kind of ambition drives a woman to appear in a glamour shot on the cover of a nerd magazine under the caption, “Become Internet famous (even if you’re nobody)…Julia Allison and the secrets of self-promotion.” Did you all see the recent Wired cover with Julia Allison? Women on Wired are rare enough, and I read the piece with curiosity after ripping it away from my husband. Turns out, Allison is the Paris Hilton of the Internet. Through Twitter and constant blogging of her sexy twentysomething life, she’s famous. I was half jealous and half disgusted. When I was a moderately sexy twentysomething, it never would have occurred to me to make hay from my exploits. Who would take you seriously? And how could your ambition be that naked? Then I read the follow up email Julia sent to Wired editor Chris Anderson. Explaining her path to celebrity, Allison writes,
“The true goal was never “fame” at all. I wanted two things: 1) editors to publish my work, 2) people to read my work. I wanted to be like Nora Ephron – able to exist creatively with an audience and relative financial freedom…”
Ah-ha: classic female tactic. Allison claims her ambition is driven by a larger purpose and to fulfill a larger more socially acceptable role. She doesn’t want to be famous for nothing- she wants to be a writer. But still, I have to give the girl credit for creativity. It’s really hard to break through to that editorial page (84% of op-eds are written by men). If Julia Allison can get her body of work quickly noticed by using the virtues of other body parts, well, then I have to consider that. It’s not often you hear a woman so baldly cop to wanting to get ahead. Recently, I have heard many young women leaders at Harvard Business School protest their ambition. At the BlogHer conference, with hundreds of super-successful women in deep discussion, I didn’t hear the talk turn to personal ambition (even in the “Blog to Book” seminar, whose premise was that the hundreds of folks in the room had enough ambition to want to publish a book). Yesterday, a friend who is senior executive at a large company described herself as wanting to physically “shield herself’ from the naked ambition of another colleague when the two women were granted face time with the multinational corporation’s big boss. My own ambition seems to have gone on summer vacation, and I can’t reach her no matter how hard I try.
Psychiatrist and author Anna Fels notes that women have a difficult time copping to desiring personal recognition, and accepting it when it comes. Not the affirmation that comes with fulfilling a role, such as being a doctor or lawyer, and not the affirmation that comes with being part of a mission or larger being that is important. No, the “highly individualized” recognition that comes from just being you. Is Julia Allison an aberration or is this a generational thing?
I went to a panel at BlogHer that featured fantastic women executives in the new/old media space. Stacy Morrison, the editor in chief of Redbook magazine, also wears her ambition on her sleeve. I’ve seen her speak twice now, and it’s remarkable. Her language manages to be both collaborative and baldly ambitious at the same time. She regularly peppers he speech with phrases like, “I knew I wanted to take over the magazine when…” and refers to “her magazine” with the emphasis often reserved for one’s children. But Morrison also said her job is to be “the professional empath” for the 10 million women who read Redbook. This woman is clear, and her ambition, too, is couched in her role as (I’m imagining how she’d paraphrase it here) interpreter of the hopes and dreams of her readers.
I asked Morrison about her phrasing- I said I had literally never heard a woman speak so ambitiously before. She explained it’s because of her clarity of purpose. She’s known what she wants to do with her life since she was a little girl. This “luxury” of clarity means she is unambivalent about being ambitious. She doesn’t need to apologize for it, or temper her language, because she is doing exactly what she has to do, and that is the way it must be.
A major light bulb went on when I heard this. Do I feel less ambitious because I am conflicted about what I am meant to do, to be, on this earth? If I were less ambivalent, and if I knew how I fit in a larger puzzle, would I be ok with saying, “I want to be rich, have a book and maybe a radio show and be a damn good mother”?
cross posted from BlogHer.com
About Me
Morra Aarons-Mele utilizes social media strategies to help employers, employees and communities connect. She also consults with leading organizations on how women can use the internet for professional and personal development. In her spare time, Morra enjoys blogging about women and politics. Read her full bio >>
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