Morra on the guardian.co.uk
First weekly column is up today…
When it comes to marriage, the more things change, the less things change. In a society where mothers who work full-time still do twice the amount of housework and even more childcare hours as working fathers, the idea that Dad would give up his career advancement to cook with the kids is pretty radical.
When we define equality for adult women and men, we usually use breadwinning as the key indicator. At home meanwhile, this mother puts it best when she says, “someone has to be in charge.” That someone is usually mom, a fact that hasn’t changed in decades. Look, we say, a mother can work too, and keep bringing home the bacon, even though she’s also staying up late to clean the house and take care of the children. That’s not equality – that’s taking on an extra job. These social norms change slowly, but we see more examples each day.
And now, in Barack and Michelle Obama, we have a fantastic opportunity for American leaders to model change, as psychologists say. Michelle has told us Barack forgets to pick up his socks, but most of their communication, both verbal and non-verbal (even the famous fist jab) signals he and Michelle are equal partners. Starting now, I hope they show us how.
For many, myself included, to be frank, it’s challenging to see men in these nurturing roles. It goes against so many of our cultural norms. We need leaders to model new norms for us. Amy Vachon, a shared care parent featured in the New York Times article, states that the “philosophy of being teammates” is more important than how tasks break down. And though his career clearly hasn’t suffered, the Obamas, with their international stage, can offer insight into how to manage an equal partnership, its successes and failures.
While much is made of Obama’s new masculinity – a non-martial viewpoint, his sensitivity and gestalt openly informed by a matriarchy – this is not a person who worked part-time so he could plan Sasha’s play dates and clean the house. But nor is Michelle, who was the breadwinner for many years. The Obama’s have offered us a rare, frank snapshot of their relationship, but I want to know more. I would love to know how these two super-achievers did it, because right now I see Michelle holding the lion’s share of the household duties, and that is equality version 1.5, not 2.0.
Michelle has gotten a lot of flak for describing her husband, but I recognize this loving self-deprecation as banter between equals. Imagine if Hillary Clinton had had the guts to rib Bill a little back in 1992. Defending her comments about Barack’s difficulty picking up after himself, Michelle said in an interview in Glamour magazine: “People understood that this is how we all live in our marriages. And Barack is very much human. So let’s not deify him, because what we do is we deify, and then we’re ready to chop it down.”
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About Me
Morra Aarons-Mele utilizes social media strategies to help employers, employees and communities connect. She also consults with leading organizations on how women can use the internet for professional and personal development. In her spare time, Morra enjoys blogging about women and politics. Read her full bio >>
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